Neil Poole has become accustomed to a threadbare Liverpool squad in recent years and is finding it hard to cope with the prospect of a Liverpool team that will have options next season. Here, he talks it through with the group to find a solution.

Pictures by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda

I’ve been coming to LFC Anonymous for a while. This is really hard, but it’s time for me to share…

My name is Neil. I support Liverpool FC. I’ve been institutionalised.

[The group smile sadly, nodding their heads in empathy]

The panic has set in over the last few days. Brendan Rodgers is personally counting on me to work out where on earth we can fit new signing, Adam Lallana, into a team that already features fan favourites Sterling and Coutinho. Talk of further targets such as Sanchez and Markovic who can ‘play across the front three or at the tip of the diamond’ (™Every LFC scouting report written in the last 6 months) have me pacing back and forward in my cell, nervously contemplating the prospect of qualitative and quantitative liberation.





Someone has ripped up Liverpool FC’s script for the season. Neil Poole desperately scraps around trying to stick it back together again.

Anfield, Liverpool, Sunday 27h April 2014.

Excuse me, who the f*ck let this other team onto our pitch!

Something’s gone wrong here. See the lad stumbling like a new-born lamb? That’s Stevie f*cking G. I think you’ll find he deserves to win this league. The neutrals have spoken don’t you know.

Wait, you with the incredibly short name, what ARE you doing? We haven’t scored our 3 goals yet. Don’t put the ball in the back of the ne…

This team has been coached to victory. Coached to victory I tell you. It’s been put together for a quid and is about to jump from 7th to 1st. So what the f*ck is going on!

Sturridge is on. He’ll score against his old club. It’s written in those stars he’s pointing too. God loves competitive sports and takes sides don’t you know.

You! You in the blue. You’re just in the way there. And you. And you…Can everyone just move over a bit?

Aspas is on. Watch this. He’s so sh*t he’ll probably score. Love it. Meant to happen…

I don’t understand that corner.

Surely it’s not fair for two of their ‘foot’ players to be up against our one ‘hand’ player. How’s he supposed to stop that going in! Can someone check the f*cking rule book please?

What? What do you mean there’s other teams who want to win the league?

The cheeky b*stards.

For 24 hours after our 2 nil defeat to Chelsea I was indignant with petulant rage that our quest for a 19th league title wasn’t going to be the procession I’d hoped for. The fairy story script has been ripped up and we’ve been handed a tense thriller instead. It just isn’t cricket.


Neil Poole revels in the excuses being made, as Liverpool’s detractors batten down the hatches and prepare for the fallout from a possible 19th league title.

NORWICH, ENGLAND - Sunday, April 20, 2014: Liverpool's captain Steven Gerrard and Luis Suarez celebrate their side's 3-2 victory over Norwich City during the Premiership match at Carrow Road. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Football has a nasty habit of stripping you of your principles. The self loathing kicks in when you have the epiphany that what you’ve just said is exactly what the clueless supporters of ‘other’ teams would say. When Manchester United marched to their 20th league title last season my tongue recoiled in horror as it conspired in creating the words, “They’ve only won it because the league is so poor.”

I’d left myself down, my dad down, Baby Jesus down…

It’s irrelevant whether this was true or not because it changes nothing. Manchester United had just won their 20th league title. Make no bones about it; every time a Manchester United fan heard the desperate caveats to their victory, they rolled around laughing their cocks off. The clutching of straws by opposing supporters attempting to demean their achievements would have been met with a gleeful cocktail of ‘Friends’ speak and northern colloquialism, “Could I be less arsed?!”